The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert by John M. Gottman, PH.D. and Nancy Silver
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert by John M. Gottman, PH.D. and Nancy Silver
- Inside the Seattle lover lab: The truth about happy marriages
- Predicting divorce with 91 percent accuracy
- Emotionally intelligent marriages
- Happily married couples have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones- emotionally intelligent marriage p3
- The more in touch with emotions (emotional intelligence) and the better able a child is to understand and get along with others, the sunnier that child’s future, whatever his or her academic IQ. p3
- Why save your marriage
- Statistics p4-5
- Chance of divorce of a first time marriage ending in divorce over a 40 year period is 67 percent
- 50% of all divorces occur in the first 7 years
- Divorce rates for second marriages is 10% higher
- People in unhappy marriages are 35% more likely to get sick
- People that stay married live 4 years longer than people who don’t
- Editorial note: The more complicated and emotional the divorce, the more expensive it will be, according to several attorneys nationwide. Divorce is big business in the United States. According to maritalstatus.com, a Web site geared toward divorce and remarriage, divorce is a $28 billion-a-year industry with an average cost of about $20,000. Complicated one’s can run into the hundreds of thousands of dollars.
- Marital hostility can lead to elevated levels of stress hormones in children which can result in their suffering from truancy, depression, peer rejection, behavioral problems, and low achievement at school.
- Innovative research, revolutionary findings
- Why most marriage therapy fails
- Conflict resolution: Active listening technique – using “I” does not work
- Forcing couples to see the other persons perspective is supposed to lead to resolution but it does not long term
- Even happily married couples can have screaming matches, just by learning to communicate more sensitively does not lead to happier marriages
- Successful conflict resolution isn’t what makes marriages successful
- Conflict resolution: Active listening technique – using “I” does not work
- Exploding more myths about marriage
- Neuroses or personality problems ruin marriages – NO
- Key is finding someone you mesh with
- Common interests will keep you together – NO
- More important how you interact pursuing those interests
- You scratch my back and …. – NO
- It is really in unhappy marriages where this quid pro quo operates, happy spouses do not keep score
- Avoiding conflict will ruin your marriage – NO
- Shoving things under the rug can work, most important that the style works for both people
- Affairs are the root cause of divorce – NO
- Problems in the marriage send one or both looking for intimacy outside the marriage
- Men are not biologically ” built” for marriage – NO
- As more women work, the number of women having affairs has skyrocketed
- Men and Women are not from different planets – NO
- The determining factor in whether wives feel satisfied with the sex, romance, and passion in their marriage is, by 70% the quality of the couple’s friendship. For me the determining factor is, by 70% the quality of the couple’s friendship.
- What does make Marriage work
- Friendship vs fighting
- Happy marriages are based on deep friendship and mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company.
- Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse. P20
- Friendship vs fighting
- Neuroses or personality problems ruin marriages – NO
- Why most marriage therapy fails
- Statistics p4-5
- Over time anger, irritation and resentment can build to the point that the friendship becomes more and more of an abstraction. Eventually they end up in “negative sentiment override.”
- A Happy Couple’s Secret Weapon
- Repair attempt- Any statement or action, silly or otherwise, that prevents negativity from escalating out of control.
- The success or failure of a couple’s repair attempt is one of the primary factors in whether their marriage flourishes or flounders. P23
- Most arguments are about deeper hidden issues that fuel the superficial conficts and make them far more intense and hurtful than they need to be.
- The purpose of marriage
- In the strongest marriages couples share a deep sense of meaning and support each other’s hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose into their lives together.
- Most marital arguments cannot be resolved even though couples will spend years trying to change the other spouses mind. It will not happen.
- Couples need to understand the bottom line difference that is causing the conflict, then learn to live with it by honoring and respecting each other
- How I predict divorce
- The first sign: Harsh Startup
- Spouse starts off discussion negative, accusatory, sarcastic, critical which dooms the discussion to failure.
- The second sign: The four horseman
- Criticism – difference between a complaint and criticism
- Contempt – fueled by long simmering negative thoughts about a partner
- Belligerence – a form of aggressive anger because it contains a threat or provocation
- The first sign: Harsh Startup
- Defensiveness – really a way of blaming your partner
- Stonewalling – no feedback
- Very common among men
- Usually used because of:
- Flooding – spouses negativity (criticism, contempt) is so overwhelming and sudden that it leaves spouse shell shocked
- Body language